last covered: the big run away
for quite some time things stayed steady. nothing to dramatic and nothing to exciting happened. until march 17th the green day. well on this brightly colored day i was sent to hell on earth. a mental hospital. you know there firsts few days weren't so bad but after awhile things started to get really old...
during my 8 day stay i was diagnosed with bipolar and was given a number of cooping skills to deal with these problems... to bad none of them worked
Sunday, December 12, 2010
others around me
ok well here's where i left of on my last blog:
my mom got married to my ex- step dad. things got crazy and i started cutting. i had my first suicidal attempt in Montana and I'm trying to work these problems out...
after seeing phys and Dr's about this and getting on a number of meds things slowly started to get better. but then fell apart when the abuse started to get worse from both of my "dads"
1.biological father
A. started hitting me and using emotional neglect to get me out of the house saying things like "iv never loved you"
B. so i left
C. he begged me to come back and see him. after i stayed away for a month.
D. all this made my depression worse and the cutting started again.
2. ex- step dad
A. when i was 7 he would pay me to give me spankings and he would deliberately rub my butt
B. i thought nothing of it and told myself it was ok which mad things worse
C. i started to hit puberty and started to mature in both my body and mind. i soon figured out i was being sexual abuse and he stopped
D. things started again but it was verbal sexual assault like "its okay to show a little skin around me". ECT.
you see this is why i don't trust me.
am i crazy to not trust them?
no.
i think we should just clear that know
has this changed my sexual orientation?
yes it has but i still like men... but also like females a little more.
this is only half of my life. my blogs will but only get crazier!!!
my mom got married to my ex- step dad. things got crazy and i started cutting. i had my first suicidal attempt in Montana and I'm trying to work these problems out...
after seeing phys and Dr's about this and getting on a number of meds things slowly started to get better. but then fell apart when the abuse started to get worse from both of my "dads"
1.biological father
A. started hitting me and using emotional neglect to get me out of the house saying things like "iv never loved you"
B. so i left
C. he begged me to come back and see him. after i stayed away for a month.
D. all this made my depression worse and the cutting started again.
2. ex- step dad
A. when i was 7 he would pay me to give me spankings and he would deliberately rub my butt
B. i thought nothing of it and told myself it was ok which mad things worse
C. i started to hit puberty and started to mature in both my body and mind. i soon figured out i was being sexual abuse and he stopped
D. things started again but it was verbal sexual assault like "its okay to show a little skin around me". ECT.
you see this is why i don't trust me.
am i crazy to not trust them?
no.
i think we should just clear that know
has this changed my sexual orientation?
yes it has but i still like men... but also like females a little more.
this is only half of my life. my blogs will but only get crazier!!!
un-notifying
you see i have started this blog to vent my feeling. i have no clue what it will do or what kind of people it will bring to me.... but here it goes.
you see all my life i have lived in the shadows of abusers. drug, alcohol, physical and everything else. now what does that leave. a broken childed channeled by neglect and serious depression. yes exactly!
you wounder why i have depression. well i will tell u.
my father is a huge alcoholic so my mother filled for a divorce when i was 6 which clearly made me despise her deeply... although she was trying to help me.
but soon enough i realized that it would be all thrown away by the stupid words I DO. yes my mom married a self arrogant man by the name of Jerry. i would agree i loved this man at first but then things changed. yelling and constant fighting came in play. everywhere i went it seemed like there was a dark cloud fallowing me everywhere. i was neglected the privilege to grow up like a normal 7 year old and was forced to grow up so fast that it was unsafe. but despite all the yelling and fighting the worse was the sexual assault. i don't really remember when it all started because i always told myself everyone went through this. every child my age was touched like that and i soon realized i would do that just to make myself happy and get through life. see i have no idea what to do about those memories am i suppose to tell someone. should i keep it inside just so i don't get hurt. please readers... if i have any tell me what to do.
but back to my past. i was living through this one step at a time. though these steps felt like walking through quick sand pulling me deeper and deeper into something so over powering that the only thing i could do was find away to release the pain. i tried music, art, poetry, etc, etc. but then one day i was cooking and accidental cut my hand open. BAM that's when it hit me the pain of the cut was so over powering it made me totally forget about the pain inside. yeah yeah i know its bad. but it felt so amazing just to watch the velvet blood flow from my hand and drip into the sink. sadly i messed up my cooking but i found the one thing i was missing in my life. a friend. a friend that would never leave me no matter what happened. a friend that wouldn't talk back. a friend who could help me through all my problems big and small. the blade and i formed a bound so strong nothing could break it. i stared wearing skinny jeans and long sleeve shirts just to hide every little mistake i had made. at first the cuts started out small but then they progressively started to get deeper and deeper to only satisfy my needs. my mom soon started to see my cut and i lied to her for so long. i would lie to her and say a cat scratched me or i burnt myself. strangely she believed me. i have been cutting till this day. on July 26 i went to Montana with my dad, step mom, step brother, and blood brother. we stayed with my step moms sister who lives in a cabin near a lake. for days i was unable to cut. so i finally said enough was enough and sat in our white 4runner and slit my wrists open. but for some reason i wasn't satisfied. i couldn't find that happiness. and it only made things worse. i became sucidial and swam under a bridge sitting along the water. i swam out right when my vision started to go black and the cold water started to settle into my bones. i finally told my mom what was happening and started seeing people. and that's where i am now. constantly being drugged and placed in "behavior halls" and see where its gotten me now. here i am sitting on the coach telling u about whats happened. please someone tell me Ur out there tell me u care!!!
you see all my life i have lived in the shadows of abusers. drug, alcohol, physical and everything else. now what does that leave. a broken childed channeled by neglect and serious depression. yes exactly!
you wounder why i have depression. well i will tell u.
my father is a huge alcoholic so my mother filled for a divorce when i was 6 which clearly made me despise her deeply... although she was trying to help me.
but soon enough i realized that it would be all thrown away by the stupid words I DO. yes my mom married a self arrogant man by the name of Jerry. i would agree i loved this man at first but then things changed. yelling and constant fighting came in play. everywhere i went it seemed like there was a dark cloud fallowing me everywhere. i was neglected the privilege to grow up like a normal 7 year old and was forced to grow up so fast that it was unsafe. but despite all the yelling and fighting the worse was the sexual assault. i don't really remember when it all started because i always told myself everyone went through this. every child my age was touched like that and i soon realized i would do that just to make myself happy and get through life. see i have no idea what to do about those memories am i suppose to tell someone. should i keep it inside just so i don't get hurt. please readers... if i have any tell me what to do.
but back to my past. i was living through this one step at a time. though these steps felt like walking through quick sand pulling me deeper and deeper into something so over powering that the only thing i could do was find away to release the pain. i tried music, art, poetry, etc, etc. but then one day i was cooking and accidental cut my hand open. BAM that's when it hit me the pain of the cut was so over powering it made me totally forget about the pain inside. yeah yeah i know its bad. but it felt so amazing just to watch the velvet blood flow from my hand and drip into the sink. sadly i messed up my cooking but i found the one thing i was missing in my life. a friend. a friend that would never leave me no matter what happened. a friend that wouldn't talk back. a friend who could help me through all my problems big and small. the blade and i formed a bound so strong nothing could break it. i stared wearing skinny jeans and long sleeve shirts just to hide every little mistake i had made. at first the cuts started out small but then they progressively started to get deeper and deeper to only satisfy my needs. my mom soon started to see my cut and i lied to her for so long. i would lie to her and say a cat scratched me or i burnt myself. strangely she believed me. i have been cutting till this day. on July 26 i went to Montana with my dad, step mom, step brother, and blood brother. we stayed with my step moms sister who lives in a cabin near a lake. for days i was unable to cut. so i finally said enough was enough and sat in our white 4runner and slit my wrists open. but for some reason i wasn't satisfied. i couldn't find that happiness. and it only made things worse. i became sucidial and swam under a bridge sitting along the water. i swam out right when my vision started to go black and the cold water started to settle into my bones. i finally told my mom what was happening and started seeing people. and that's where i am now. constantly being drugged and placed in "behavior halls" and see where its gotten me now. here i am sitting on the coach telling u about whats happened. please someone tell me Ur out there tell me u care!!!
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