life

Life in itself is a gift. A gift given to us the moment me take out first breaths into this new life. Some of us are blessed and others are sent here to block us and stand in our way of the light. We make mistakes in life over and over but yet most of us don't learn the first time. We fall in love and walk apart. Love concurs all in life. We seem to risk everything for just one special person. But all we seem to hope is that we won't be the ones to fall apart. We hope to walk side by side through sickness and in health. But is life ever that easy. we spend so much time trying to please others instead of pleasing ourselves. I guess I understand why most people walk around with hallow eyes searching for glimpse of happiness in life !

hard times

I'm sorry for neglecting u things have just been so hard. First and for
Most I went on a crying spree for 4 days I sat in my room and cried but I'm over it. I realized people deal with problems in so many different ways. I for one deal with stress way different than my bf. You see my ways aren't the best but I don't really know what to say Bout his...

Well I guess it's great compared to mine. No eating cutting Doing anything to find an escape. Well let's just hope ill find better ways. Wish me luck I have an appointment with the phys tomorrow. Good bye for know

Post Created Dec 18, 2010 1:06:11 PM

Well last night I went and saw the movie black swan. It was totally NOT what I expected. It actually scared me. But it did developed the picture of phyco behavior. I guess if ur into that kind of stuff than that's a movie for you. I strongly do not recommend taking your kids to it. It scared me and I'm really into the study of irregular behavior

huh...

Huh is the only thing I can say. The computer has stopped working and I have no clue what's going on between my boyfriend and I. Huh huh huh...

you dont need to face ur demons alone

so u see i have always struggled with my inner demons: depression, bipolar,panic attacks and anger issues.
there are so many things in the world that we struggle with but most of us don't pay attend to the little things. it almost seems that we avoid them so much that when we finally break down we attack the ones we love by using these little problems as a defence. yes i agree i have done this before but the best way to resolve this problem is to write your feeling down or simply tell someone about the way u feel towards those thing. yeah yeah some people probably say its stupid but its really not. we all need to be heard and we are all looking for people to listen. at school i have so many people who i trust not just students but teachers. if I'm ever having a hard day i know that Mr. s will always be there for me. i reached out to this amazing man and he took me under his arm and helped me with all my crazy bazaar problems weather it was the simply friend trouble or the huge struggle i have with eating. but what I'm trying to say is that i felt so much better after i talk to him just because i know he cares. hes the kind of person you need in your life. someone you can share your small problems to and someone who will do anything ton correct you. like he always say "if my friend came to me and said he was gonna kill himself i would tell the whole world." why u ask? because he is the kind of person who would much rather have his friend hate his guts than to watch him kill himself. this is what we all need in our life. just someone to lean on when where hurt and i promise u some of Ur problems will get better. not all of them will be solved but if u find someone like this i can promise u that you will never have to face them alone. i know i don't.

the kiss

why can a kiss be so powerful why is it the one thing  in life that we all long for. each and everyone of us weather will small large or anything else. something that leaves us wanting more. where never satisfied at what we get. we as humans seem to NEED this almost like we need what. well imagine life without a kiss. think of it being forbidden. us not being aloud to meet that one persons like at the one magical time. the time where your lips meet and the magic flies. why does it happen. this is so over powering we beg of more??

now where does this leave me

well i have finally decided to settle down and write. i have had so many things running through my mind but now that I'm sitting here with the computer on my lap everything has gone away. its like something is in my mind sending me these thought and when i decide to write it plays tricks on me blocking every good thought and strong vocabulary.

you see everything has going swell today. school was just fine boring as usual but what can i say its school.
but yesterday was a mess  well it started out with a good night hanging with ma and he boy toy then she headed of to work after pizza with us. (awe i love her)
then her bf headed off and i settled down in my lazy boy chair and did some writing. after awhile i got a few rude text messages from a strongly hated person in my instance.

now i have 4 stitches for 4 stupid words JUST GO CUT YOURSELF

what am i suppose to do know. except you back into my life. pretend that everything is ok and nothing ever happen. i have done that so many many times before and u see it only made things worse. you've said rude before but last night you took a low blow and attacked me but using my only weakness.

what am i to do when my only friend is slowly killing me. opening my skin letting the life sink out. its never deceived me and never seemed to not bring me joy. what do you do when the one thing you love is ripped from ur barrings.

hell on earth

last covered: the big run away

for quite some time things stayed steady. nothing to dramatic and nothing to exciting happened. until march 17th the green day. well on this brightly colored day i was sent to hell on earth. a mental hospital. you know there firsts few days weren't so bad but after awhile things started to get really old...
during my 8 day stay i was diagnosed with bipolar and was given a number of cooping skills to deal with these problems... to bad none of them worked

others around me

ok well here's where i left of on my last blog:
my mom got married to my ex- step dad. things got crazy and i started cutting. i had my first suicidal attempt in Montana and I'm trying to work these problems out...
after seeing phys and Dr's about this and getting on a number of meds things slowly started to get better. but then fell apart when the abuse started to get worse from both of my "dads"

1.biological father 

A. started hitting me and using emotional neglect to get me out of the house saying things like "iv never loved you"
B. so i left
C. he begged me to come back and see him. after i stayed away for a month.
D. all this made my depression worse and the cutting started again.

2. ex- step dad

A. when i was 7 he would pay me to give me spankings and he would deliberately rub my butt
B. i thought nothing of it and told myself it was ok which mad things worse
C. i started to hit puberty and started to mature in both my body and mind. i soon figured out i was  being sexual abuse and he stopped
D. things started again but it was verbal sexual assault like "its okay to show a little skin around me". ECT.

you see this is why i don't trust me.
 am i crazy to not trust them?
no.
i think we should just clear that know

has this changed my sexual orientation?
yes it has but i still like men... but also like females a little more.

this is only half of my life. my blogs will but only get crazier!!!

un-notifying

you see i have started this blog to vent my feeling. i have no clue what it will do or what kind of people it will bring to me.... but here it goes.

you see all my life i have lived in the shadows of abusers. drug, alcohol, physical and everything else. now what does that leave. a broken childed channeled by neglect and serious depression. yes exactly!
you wounder why i have depression. well i will tell u.
my father is a huge alcoholic so my mother filled for a divorce when i was 6 which clearly made me despise her deeply... although she was trying to help me.
but soon enough i realized that it would be all thrown away by the stupid words I DO. yes my mom married a self arrogant man by the name of Jerry.  i would agree i loved this man at first but then things changed. yelling and constant fighting came in play. everywhere i went it seemed like there was a dark cloud fallowing me everywhere. i was neglected the privilege to grow up like a normal 7 year old and was forced to grow up so fast that it was unsafe. but despite all the yelling and fighting the worse was the sexual assault. i don't really remember when it all started because i always told myself everyone went through this. every child my age was touched like that and i soon realized i would do that just to make myself happy and get through life. see i have no idea what to do about those memories am i suppose to tell someone. should i keep it inside just so i don't get hurt. please readers... if i have any tell me what to do.

but back to my past. i was living through this one step at a time. though these steps felt like walking through quick sand pulling me deeper and deeper into something so over powering that the only thing i could do was find away to release the pain. i tried music, art, poetry, etc, etc. but then one day i was cooking and accidental cut my hand open. BAM that's when it hit me the pain of the cut was so over powering it made me totally forget about the pain inside. yeah yeah i know its bad. but it felt so amazing just to watch the velvet blood flow from my hand and drip into the sink. sadly i messed up my cooking but i found the one thing i was missing in my life. a friend. a friend that would never leave me no matter what happened. a friend that wouldn't talk back. a friend who could help me through all my problems big and small. the blade and i formed a bound so strong nothing could break it. i stared wearing skinny jeans and long sleeve shirts just to hide every little mistake i had made. at first the cuts started out small but then they progressively started to get deeper and deeper to only satisfy my needs. my mom soon started to see my cut and i lied to her for so long. i would lie to her and say a cat scratched me or i burnt myself. strangely she believed me. i have been cutting till this day. on July 26 i went to Montana with my dad, step mom, step brother, and blood brother. we stayed with my step moms sister who lives in a cabin near a lake. for days i was unable to cut. so i finally said enough was enough and sat in our white 4runner and slit my wrists open. but for some reason i wasn't satisfied. i couldn't find that happiness. and it only made things worse. i became sucidial and swam under a bridge sitting along the water. i swam out right when my vision started to go black and the cold water started to settle into my bones. i finally told my mom what was happening and started seeing people. and that's where i am now. constantly being drugged and placed in "behavior halls" and see where its gotten me now. here i am sitting on the coach telling u about whats happened. please someone tell me Ur out there tell me u care!!!